Contradictions? Double standards?? Stupidity???

I am writing after a hectic day and an even more hectic week. Ideally would have slept but just cant stop thinking.... Considering I do not have anyone to talk about this right now and that no one will have the bandwidth to hear the blabbering mind, I am relying on readers of this post (imaginary in case no one reads this) to just hear me out....

So, I effectively believe in and strongly implement in no expectations policy but then I just think I am deluding myself.... I mean a small thing like "Sharmili - you sing horribly (which is a fact btw)".... If it comes from a certain person, I will take it but when it comes from someone who I expect to appreciate (despite the harrowing time of listening to me), I would go at lengths to make them feel miserable about not being "nice" to me....

That's the deal with me, I would make a person feel miserable, and ya - this works only for those close to me - if they bug me.... I mean how ironical is this.... Would you actually trouble a person closest to you??? I can understand taking them for granted - yes, that does come with proximity with a person - but troubling them.... I wonder if anyone reacted in a similar fashion with me, would I be in a position to take it???

Even the smallest thing like talking to me on phone.... If say someone is talking to me on phone, I would expect UNDIVIDED attention and would actually get offended when s/he talks to anyone other than me.... But, then countless number of times the "hassled" me has hung up on people or fought with them for calling at a wrong time.... Suddenly the change of rules is OK!

I am a victim of "being the hub" of the relationship as well. What this means is that say there are 3 friends with me being one of them and others A and B.... So, friend A should tell me and I would then tell friend B. It cannot work if B comes and tells me something about A without A telling me... I get mad - as childish as this sounds.... IT DOES!!! But what is interesting is that if I were a spoke in say another relationship, I still would want the hub to tell me directly and not another spoke!! I am not sure if I am making sense?

But, in essence what I can tell you is that I am famous for making things complicated :(((

So, at this point you know what my natural reaction is? It is to wonder - if there is any good left in me - if there is ANY reason why people should still like me and consider me as a friend!!! Or how much more time will pass by before they just give up on me?? Some have, Some wont and some may be.... Its all about a PUSH!!! Which direction would that push be in, will be determined by how insecure I behave in a relationship!!!

Strange - you would think I would NOT know this and therefore react in a certain detrimental manner.... But, what do you tell a person who knows and THEN doesn't bother???